I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
