he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
