He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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