my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
