Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
