at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Randomize