after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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