I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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