Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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