the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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