Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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