On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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