plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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