You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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