She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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