I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
