im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
