are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
