Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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