you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
