he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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