She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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