I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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