I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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