whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
