Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
