if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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