At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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