shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Let's get the cat blown out
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
