you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
