Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
