Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
