She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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