hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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