As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
