Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
