I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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