Do vagina's smell?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
