God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
