There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
