ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
