You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The air was thick with penises
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
