you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
