Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
im calling her cock vulture from now on
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
