I am spending my child support on dildos
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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