oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
