her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
