that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Even the bartender felt bad for me
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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