my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize