I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
