I'm so fucking centered right now
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
love makes seman taste better
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
