dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
