The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
