New low: just hacked my moms facebook
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
