the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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