I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
