Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
