Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
