Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
