If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize