It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
